for most of us, "I don't know" is one of the scariest feelings possible. it often leads to feeling unsure, uncertain, uncomfortable and unsafe, because, in these moments, we find ourselves beyond, often way beyond, our comfort zone. since the comfort zone by definition is what we are used to, where we know how things work, where things are as they should be, it is easy to start worrying when leaving it. our brains seem to have this constant, deeply engrained desire to know, and when we feel we don't, they can spin into an ever accelerating carousel of chasing thoughts that is almost impossible to stop. the worries coming with it can feel visceral, physical, sickening, like poison churning in the stomach and seeping into the blood. so, better never to go there, and change what's making us feel so wrong back to something familiar immediately, right?
such dynamics can show up in a couple of different ways in life. sometimes when we don't know, we simply have a strong feeling that something is wrong, and when it becomes strong enough, we react impulsively and without reflection. these are the people who have wild hair, chattering teeth and wobbly legs. they are so afraid they lack the serenity to observe, so they usually recreate the past, because the present situation "is just like" something they experienced before. but, though experience is a very valuable resource, it is important to observe what is going on this time, not last time. so, if we automatically interpret the uncertainty and discomfort of not knowing with "something's wrong", we react on autopilot. if, on the other hand, we want to be perceptive, conscious and aware, we need to be able to bear not knowing, without the feeling that something is wrong because of it.
sometimes when situations of not knowing occur, we do actually realise there isn't just one automatic interpretation but multiple possible meanings, but we can't tell which one is true. this, again, makes us feel uncertain and unsure. these people are the ones pacing around their offices, going from one corner to the other, muttering to themselves. most of the time, this situation simply comes from a lack of information, because the full picture has not yet been uncovered. in this case, we often pull back and take ourselves out of it all together, which of course prevents us from ever learning anything. therefore, it is important to hold the tension of not knowing until more information can be found or the situation becomes clearer.
most dangerous, however, is an "I know everything, I have the world all figured out, and my way of seeing it is right" mindset, because of which we fail to even see that we actually don't know. everyone has come across such people, they are the cocky ones with the loud voices, shiny shoes and fast cars. this kind of mindset is a fear-based, across-the-board strategy to prevent uncertainty. it doesn't come from true wisdom and inner groundedness, but from feeling unsure and scared. when we are right by default, we become blind to different perspectives and other sides to the story, and this can easily make our thinking and acting rigid and inflexible. in this state of mind, the "world I know" is automatically recreated time and time again, without a chance for anything ever to change.
and we probably all have internal mini copies of all of them hiding away somewhere, stirring up mayhem and creating chaos in our lives.
for example, in relationships, when we believe we know, expectation is created. whatever situation may transpire, since cocky mini-me "knows how this works", we also know how the other person is going to react, so we expect it of them. and from there, it isn't a big step to demanding. but they may very well not act anything like we expect. every person is unique and acts in their very own way. they may actually be giving us all their love, care and attention, but because it isn't in the form we expect, we fail to recognise it, and instead of being grateful, we accuse them of not loving us. this may happen in a romantic relationship, but it may happen just as easily in any other kind of relationship.
all of these troubles go back to one simple feeling: fear. something happened, and we became scared of uncertainty, or of discomfort, because we have become attached to the status quo. in effect, this means we are afraid of, and thus preventing, all kinds of change.
but those little mini-me's, with all of their energy and creativeness, are also capable of other things than chaos and mayhem. with love and compassion, and especially curiosity, they can become little helpers. for, beyond fear, there is another possible reaction to "I don't know": being curious and inquisitive. if we manage to become scientists and researchers of our own life, the mini-me's will be our most loyal allies.
scientists and researchers, by definition, don't know. they think of a question they are interested in, but they don't know the answer to. and then they gather new information. no matter what they may find, they curiously observe, without judgement, and search on, always on the look out for the unknown. they follow up on leads, often presented by the mini-me's, listen to and fact-check their stories. they don't just buy into them, but sit down with them, and through this, they become open-minded, far-sighted and wise. instead of being afraid of new experiences and not knowing, scientists see the great unknown as a field of potential. and from it, they create change.
and the cool thing is, this way of being isn't just for the scientists. it's for everyone. it works for all of us. it's how each and every one of us can create change. and that, eventually, changes the world.