I don't like failing. failing sucks. every so often, it will wash over me, this feeling of not getting anything right, and all I have ever done was make wrong decisions. then, I feel that what I am invested in right now is all a waste of time and energy, and I should really be focusing on something more worthwhile.
I feel useless. like I had all of these high-flying ideas but now I can't even hold together the most basic things. like I am the sole reason things have not developed successfully, and therefore there must be something wrong with me. what starts with a fleeting doubt leads to second-guessing my decisions, which leads to questioning my entire life. it leaves me feeling small, disempowered and helpless.
it's a vicious circle that's hard to break. it creeps up almost unperceivably, until I find myself so immersed in it I can't see beyond. it does have a function, in a weird, twisted way, it does actually prevent failure, for since I cannot bare the feeling, I do everything to avoid it.
to the outside world, I become perfect. I make sure I look like I am always on top of things, have everything under control, never need any help. I become what is seen as successful. by most conventional standards, this means I am supposed to establish a career, find a partner, buy a house and a car, and have kids. so I do my best to achieve those things.
inside, however, I am plagued by doubts. have I made the right decision? am I on the right track? is this what I should be doing? I am stuck in these toxic thoughts, all alone, since asking for, or even just accepting, help would be equal to admitting I am not perfect.
until one day, something inside me clicks. it starts to question the questions, instead of trying to find answers to them. what, actually, is a right or wrong decision? by what standard? who decides what I should or shouldn't do? and what, to me, is success?
as I start challenging the standards I've been going by, they implode like a house of cards. I realise I have no clue what is right and wrong TO ME, everything I've been believing was what others have told me. I've been doing what people say I should do, not what I actually want to do. and success has meant achieving stereotypical 1960 suburban heaven, plus a career for bonus. for fear of looking like a failure, I have lost my own point of view, always adopting an alternative, seemingly more promising, take on the situation. I don't trust my own judgement, if I even have one. instead, I have played it small. I have gone with what is expected of me. I have followed the trodden path, because it claims guaranteed control over failure.
but it has left me feeling caged. it's not that I don't want to conform, I have tried until exhaustion, but I can't do it. I started building one career, and when I was just about to arrive in it, I found myself unable to proceed. I worked towards the next, and left that as well. I had a partner for many years, it failed. it's so disheartening to invest into something for a long time only to have to give it all up in the end. it feels like I am useless, like there's something wrong with me for not being able to see it through. all of these abandoned endeavours were part of my identity to a certain extent, and now that I have given them all up, what am I left with? what?
and there's my answer, hovering just under the surface.
me.
I am left with me.
after all those years, I have found me. slowly, I begin to explore. one situation after another, I listen within instead of outside. I sit down with myself and get clear about my values in life, what really matters to me. when it comes down to it, I no longer act in denial of my own sense of right and wrong, but with integrity. people may not be pleased with me, but what they think is no longer important to me, and I stand my place firmly. after a while, I find myself at peace with myself, even trusting myself. I no longer doubt my every move because I subconsciously know it doesn't align with me, now my moves do align with me, so there's nothing left to doubt. and because of it, I no longer judge and condemn myself. gradually, I gain a sense of self-worth. and of confidence, confidence that everything will turn out right (my version). I create, one step after another, a strong relationship with myself. and from it, unconditional, through thick and thin, supportive, understanding and caring, self-love.
failure no longer scares me. I am loved unconditionally, and I know I will console myself, have my back, and support myself in picking myself up and starting over. with the threat of failure so much less looming, I can try things out, even if I am unsure about them. I can proceed boldly, not tiptoeing my way ahead, but giving it my best try, wholeheartedly. no matter the outcome. when it doesn't go as planned, I take learnings from it, and try again. failing becomes normal, and important. I no longer feel the need to be perfect, and perfectly in control. I am able to show it when I am in trouble, and ask for and accept help.
I am gradually able to take steps towards what is, actually, for me. all of those things that I felt I failed, they were not for me, but trying them out and then letting them go was necessary to create the motivation and the space for something new, something more aligned with who I truly am. and now, instead of only ever trying to steer clear of what I was taught to fear, I am finally moving towards what I have been dreaming of. there is no guarantee it will work out, for this is untrodden territory, but I am no longer afraid.
I may be stumbling, losing direction, and falling down, but I am also getting back up, adjusting, and moving on. with help, from myself, and others. building my own life.
my way.
